Uncertain Future

I am living a lie. That's what I am slowly realizing. Although I should have figure that out when I decided to distance myself from my friends.

My coworkers knows me as "J~" and my friends, who knows my real name do not actually know what I am up to these days. I am constantly alert when I walk outside, looking for familiar faces so I can avoid them. I find myself depending on my Ipod and using my ear phones as a shield to pretend that I do not hear them when they call. I feel bad and ashame for leaving my friends out of my life. However, I already decided to do so. I have my own reason and the reason is so strong that I go through such lengths. I know eventually I'll lose them, but I did make new friends at work. Although its true they do not know the real me, only the lie, the mask, for which I have carefully made. However, for now it must do. I know I will not be their closest friend because movies, parties, and other social gathering is not something I find wise to do. In case their questioning about my past goes too deep. I confess here only this much because I have heard bottling up one's feeling is never a good thing.
I know your confuse and might even be bored by now about my ranting. But understand that I write this not to entertain you...but to ease my burden. For some people who reads this, they might understand why I hide who I am. Its easy if you think about it. Its definitely easier for those of you who are, what sociologist called "In the Margin", to figure out what I am. I am not talking about race, but I am bound to politics. I ask that those who do understand me to be my friends on this blog even if you will not REALLY know me.
For a man surrounded by hundreds and alone is better than a man just alone...